


I'll Tell You My Sins

by coldairballoons



Category: Murdoch Mysteries
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Religious Guilt, [Take Me To Church by Hozier plays in the background]
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28114167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldairballoons/pseuds/coldairballoons
Summary: "There’s something wrong with the way society views this, because if something that feels so right is a sin-”“The thing that’s wrong is us.”
Relationships: William Murdoch/Edward "Eddie" Cullen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	I'll Tell You My Sins

In a flurry of hasty movement, lips met lips, hands roamed bodies, trailing down the detective’s chest, unbuttoning his waistcoat, and in return, the barkeep was tugged closer by his tie in a flash of desperation. Something was taking control, and neither man could stop the overpowering desire, lust, want,  _ need _ that overtook them, after years apart. All those restless nights at school together flooded over them, and it was perfect, if only for a second. 

And then it was over, and Detective William Murdoch was pulling away. Dark hair tousled, face pink, lips kiss-swollen and red, and it just made him even more beautiful, seeing him this utterly wrecked. He licked his lips, not meeting the other’s eyes, and hastily started to rebutton his waistcoat, hands shaking, and stumbled back. 

“We shouldn’t have done that.” Was all he said, voice tense, hoarse, low and husky, all at once. In any other context, it would have been the thing of dreams. But in this setting, these words? It sent a shiver down the barkeep’s spine. “We… we shouldn’t let ourselves… give  _ in _ to this…”

“‘This’ what, exactly?” Eddie Cullen sighed, running a hand through his own hair. His accent seemed to come out thicker, rougher, more prominently than before the kiss. Wasn’t the only thing more prominent after it, either, but he knew nothing would come of his other issue, the need clouding his thoughts starting to dissipate. “Will-”

Murdoch winced. “Detective.”

“Detective.” He winced and corrected himself, straightening himself out. “You kissed me first.”

“And I should not have.” William insisted, raising a hand to his hair to try to fix it. Instinctively, Eddie reached a hand out to help, but paused, dropping it back to his side. He knew the other man would just flinch back, and Eddie couldn’t stand to see that broken, hurt, betrayed look on his face. The same one the night after confession in school, when Eddie found William sobbing brokenly in his bed… “What… what we just did, that was a  _ sin _ , Eddie. To let oneself fall into this… these  _ urges _ , it’s unseemly.”

Shoving the memories of the past behind him, Eddie rolled his eyes. “What that I do isn’t? There’s something wrong with the way society views this, because if something that feels so right is a sin-”

“The thing that’s wrong is  _ us _ .” The detective snapped, gesturing at the space between them. There was a tension in the air, one so tangible someone could cut it with a butterknife, and a silence so poignant one could hear a pin drop. Eddie heard William suck in a breath, trying to compose himself, before he continued, voice empty of all emotion. “This isn't right. You know it isn’t. This is a… a sin, it has to be.”

“And what God would want love to break hearts?” He shot back, and he could  _ see _ the other man freeze. “Think about it, William, what sort of monster would He have to be to inflict this misery on others?”

Murdoch seemed to grapple with words for a moment, before he shut his mouth, looking pointedly away. And as much as Eddie wanted--no,  _ needed _ \--to see his face, he knew an attempt was in vain. “It has to be wrong. We’ll be damned for eternity for it.” With a shaky breath, the detective looked back at the barkeep, and for a second, there was something so childlike, so  _ scared _ in his eyes. 

But Eddie laughed, and there was no humor at all behind it. He stuck his hands into his pockets, as casually as though they were discussing the latest sports. “Damned? I would have been damned long ago, William, if we obey everything they tell us, will we ever live?”

“Eventually, yes-”

“No, William.” He said softly. “Hiding isn’t the way. Lying to yourself, that’s not how life should  _ be _ , and you’re just killing yourself, suffocating in this… this facade…”

“It’s not a facade.” 

“Hiding yourself behind your shiny badge and your title-”

“I  _ earned  _ this.” Murdoch balled his fists at his side, the frustration growing too much for him, and Eddie sighed, raising his hands in mock surrender. “And you should understand, as well as any man, why this is immoral.”

“To love? To  _ be _ loved? There isn’t any wrong in giving your heart out to someone you trust.” Eddie sighed. “I thought you would understand, after our history…”

The detective froze. “...we were young.”

“Didn’t make it less of a ‘sin’.” He chose his words carefully, studying Murdoch’s face for any sign of a crack in his mask. “Or did that not count? Because it was always a joke, always for a laugh, always to blow off steam… for you.”

(At those final words, Eddie swore he saw a flinch.)

Murdoch opened his mouth, then shut it, then opened it once more, as though to speak, but all that came out was a hoarse, “...what do you mean, ‘for me’?”

Eddie huffed out a laugh. For a detective, his Murdoch could be so confusingly oblivious sometimes. “You didn’t realize the way I looked at you. The way I watched you work. The way I always wished that I could be the one holding you, the one kissing you. And when I got to? Drunk or not, you wishing I was anyone but who I was? I was infatuated, there’s no easy way to describe it other than that. It wasn’t platonic.”

And then Murdoch was turning and going to the door, and deep down? Eddie knew he would. He knew the moment he brought this up, he would be left behind, or arrested, or… he didn’t know what else. 

What he didn’t know was that Murdoch was turning back towards him, breath shaky, and his hands equally trembled as he raised a hand to brush through his hair. A strand of it fell into his face, and he brushed it out of the way, choosing his words carefully. “...it wasn’t… platonic.”

“No.” Eddie said, balling his hands into fists at his side. “No, William. It wasn’t.”

The detective took a calculated look at him, Eddie saw his eyes dart all over his face, which was probably bright red. His ears, too, and he held back a snort of laughter as he started to see a matching flush rise to the detective’s face. 

He didn’t have time to open his mouth to make a comment about it, however, before Murdoch was stepping forward and taking his face in his hands, pressing their lips together in a kiss that was more like the dwindling embers of the previous fire. Equally as warm, yet controlled, contained. And Murdoch was cupping his cheek, nervously, like Eddie would pull away, and of course he didn’t. Of course he wouldn’t. 

In fact, he was content to stay kissing Detective William Murdoch for another eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> And here it is, the first fic I'm posting to the Murdoch Mysteries fandom. I blame my boyfriend, Theo, for getting me obsessed with it, first of all, and for fueling this fic with an RP. 
> 
> Secondly, I'm genuinely surprised no one has written anything based on Eddie, as he's such an interesting character? And his relationship with Murdoch, *chef's kiss*. 
> 
> This prompt (the one in the summary) was based on a D&D campaign I'm in, and was complete improv by one of the players. It HURT, and it fit so beautifully, I couldn't resist. 
> 
> As always, you can find me on TikTok and Tumblr at @coldairballoons, or on Discord at @coldairballoons#9556. I do take requests, so if you've got any ideas or recommendations, or just want to say hello, pop by!


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